#17 - On Cautious Optimism
On new beginnings and daring to try
Dear Friend,
I have done it again, haven’t I? I have gone silent on you for a healthy period of time, and now here I am. I wish there was a way to show you that I am always thinking of you, way past mere words and a contrite heart. In the end, those are all I have, well, those and Puss’ cute eyes - if that is your thing :).
The truth is that I am always wary of writing to you when I have no idea what I am supposed to say, or how to say it. There is nothing more frustrating to me than when I cannot adequately express myself to another. When I am faced with this problem, I usually fall on the simplest and, perchance this time, wrong solution: silence. After all, if I cannot convey the breadth and depth of my experience, if I cannot get you to see the way I see, what use is there in my words? In my battle with my limitation, I came across this letter that not only described my problem but prescribed some solutions that I needed to hear - trust and acceptance. I hold this particular recommendation close to my heart, “I’m going to trust myself, especially when I’ve tried to be as clear as possible.”
As January ends this year, I am left pondering the duality of a month that is collectively experienced as the ‘longest’ month of the year, and also sometimes a ‘trial’ month. I have always faced January with great trepidation, my birthday playing no small part in magnifying my dread. This year however, I have forcefully challenged the novelty by pursuing a degree that I am hopeful course corrects a life I am afraid was stagnating. In a new city, a new country, I am caught in the doorway of my life - the past a strong reminder of who I believed myself to be, the future a scary shout of who I believe I can be.
Last time I wrote to you, I spoke of wanting things - fearfully of expressing my desires. This year, having been successful in getting this new start that I wanted, I am now afraid of… having it? It seems to me that fear then is the issue. I am constantly walking around afraid of doing things, afraid of confirming, affirming, my existence by being an active participant in my own life. Hope is not a strategy, a friend once said to me in the depths of my despair. I have whispered these words to myself often over the course of the past month, admonishing myself - the life I want, as low effort as it might sound, requires more than just wishing it.
When planning my trip, I rattled out my numerous fears to M, as usual. M listened before throwing them all out as inconsequential, something we would both laugh at once I had made the trip. M was right. I guess this is something he is used to by now, me spiraling out of control before even attempting a thing - thinking of all the ways it could all crumble on me. I mentioned to him that I want this year, this step to be different; that I want to try without the hesitation, in spite of the fear. In trying for the life that I want, I have to be ready to accept that growth will come when I am least comfortable, and perhaps there is no greater sign of discomfort that uprooting myself from a place that I dared to call home.
Cautious Optimism - that was the word we both arrived at, at the end of our conversation. I have never considered myself a pessimist, my friends would disagree, but this seems a rather drastic change from my ‘realistic’ approach to life. The only feature of my new approach that I am certain of, at this time, is to let go of the belief that it will definitely crumble around me. I am still working on the other features. I have no doubt that there will be days when I slip back into my old realism, days when I cower at the prospect of trying because failure or rejection seem imminent. I also have no doubt that M will hold me accountable.
Making friends as you get older gets harder, and I guess that makes sense. Each of us is already set in our way, or in our performances and as such finding a way to fit another person takes quite some reconstruction. That is how I view friendship - finding people who fit into your life just as you fit into theirs. I am wary of imposing myself on others but recognize that there is a level of intention that is needed to make friends now. I am still struggling with affirming my existence so how do I make another person aware that I exist and would like to share my/their life with them? Is this a thing that I also have to approach with cautious optimism? How would this look like in a place where I am viewed as the outsider, a foreign presence? Does this work even if I am still striving to define myself and what being me means? Unsurprisingly, I have more questions than I do answers.
Intermission: One Piece is the greatest story ever told. There is no greater adventure. Enough said.
I call you friend, but sometimes I fear I do not treat our friendship with the respect and discipline that I apply to those physically around me. I do not believe that our friendship, digital, is any less serious so I offer you this: a promise to check up on you once a month this year. You continue to lend me your ears (eyes, lol) and that is a tremendous privilege. I promise to treat you with care, reminding you that you fit very much into this life of mine I am trying to curate, and I would love to fit into your life too, and share it with you. Even in my silence, my absence or presence, I am constantly rooting for you, for ease, for growth. It won’t be easy, trust me, I know, but just as the thought of you listening to me gives me strength to try that bit harder, I hope this knowledge offers you some anodyne, some relief.
You are probably as excited as I am that the long draining month that is January is finally behind us. Now your year can begin, right? Yes, it can! So… Happy New Year! The real happy new year now that the trial month is over. I am aware of how bleak reality is right now, but that’s what cautious optimism is about, right? We have to believe that we are going to pull through just fine, breath after breath, day after day. I am wishing you all the best of this year, better than you wish yourself, and more than you could even possibly imagine. Finally, that thing you want to do this year… Do it! Why? Why not? You’ve got this!
As the weekend draws closer, I hope you find the time to rest, recharge, and reset. Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading my letters. Thank you for being my friend.
Signing off to Milkshake by PLÜM
“When you were there for me
You set my worries free…”
Sine Cera
Osondu
"Feel the fear, but do it anyway." This has stuck with me since I heard Imperioli say this on The Sopranos. I mutter it under my breath each time I'm faced with uncertainty and I cannot justify my crippling fear. Reading this made me just realise that I often face moments that need cautious optimism and this is probably my hack around such difficult moments. I look forward to hearing from you soon.