#18 - On Friendships: Learning to make them, mourning them.
My newsletter is '18' and I am... 39?
Dear Friend,
Hello March, bye February. Isn’t it weird that even though this year gave me an extra day to send this letter to you before the month ran out, I am somehow still just sending this out now? Anyway, in the spirit of being kind to myself, one day late is not that late, is it?
Speaking of deadlines, it slowly dawned on me, over the course of last month, that this is my last year before my 30s. I never realistically thought I would see my 30s. Surrounded by all the fanfare regarding them, I just always thought it was just one of those things I would not get to experience. I guess realistically, and rather morbidly, there’s no guarantee that I still reach it… Ooops. I have always seen myself as a strong 25, whatever that means, so to come terms with being a year away from 30 has been akin to my transition from 5 Alive to Mirinda that year. I will eventually come to like it, but I will express shock each time I am faced with the new reality - it was not one made with/of choice.
Imagine my surprise then to find out that my new course mates thought I was THIRTY-NINE? Like 3-9. One even asked me if I left my kids, with an s, back home. I do not want to even try to understand their justifications for such a highly erroneous, and just as grievous, thought. I am still in shock if I am being honest, friend. Talk about shattering my world view.
I have been thinking about friendships lately, and what the fullest version of friendship looks like. As a man coming to the terms with the fact that the quality of life he desires lies at the heart of true friendships, I am beginning to ponder rather critically, perchance ironically, a bit romantically what the fullest version of my friendships should look like. If each friendship is like an infinity stone and gathering them is a prerequisite to using them together in the Infinity Gauntlet, then I presume that attaining the fullest version of each friendship is similar to understanding each stone deeply in order to avoid unintended consequences. My final snap has to slap. Hehe.
I do not know how to say goodbye to people. I find that I have a number of people that I do not talk to that I still want to have conversations with. However, I can acknowledge that time and distance have altered those relationships in ways that make crossing the new chasm not just herculean, but nigh on impossible. I believe this, struggle with saying goodbye, comes from my dislike of change, from my fear of the uncertainty that comes with new relationships. I like, and enjoy, the feeling of being grounded - in space, in time, in people's hearts; to know they are thinking of me, just as much as I am of them.
I have been dreaming of a lot of old friends, lost friendships that sustained me at different phases, altered relationships that were once pillars of my life. I don't remember the fights, or even why - or how - we stopped talking.... I am just lost in the warmth of their embrace in my mind, the memory of their love frozen in time. Cinema nights, trips to Love Garden, train rides and long walks; Lord Morpheus blesses, and curses me. A side effect of not having given maybe or received a proper hug in a while? Or is it because Maya Angelou is right: "… people will never forget the way you make them feel.”? A combination of both perhaps; I believe Auntie Maya is right though. I do not forget the way they made me feel.
Is it cautious optimism to reach out? To let them know I miss them? A small "Hey, I thought of you. I haven't forgotten you. I hope life is treating you well. I still wish you well. I am rooting for you." Or does cautious optimism require me to let go, savor the warmth in my heart and forge on in this cold searching for new connections? I don't know. I hear and see often that there is so much love in the world that if one opens their heart, new friendships are waiting. I have questions though: why do I have to move on from friendships that kept me safe? Does moving on mean forgetting them entirely and their love? What happens if I am still grieving a familiar embrace, love, friendship? Am I allowed to grieve my friendships? Again, I do not know. I just miss people who have, probably, forgotten about me.
After a period spent wandering and wallowing in my darkness, neglecting friendships and friends who were always there, waiting for me to reach out, I am learning a new appreciation, to hold them even tighter. I might be far away from home, still unsure of what home really is, but I am in no doubt that home is still a promise to do better, to be better. For the people who have insisted that I be in their lives, and they in mine, I owe them the effort of holding on to that connection, of protecting it, of growing it. I am trying to call more often, more randomly - sending them things I like, things I think they’d like, things that show and remind them that they are in my thoughts. My fear of being a burden and spamming them might mean I second guess the message, sending or not sending it, yet sometimes I still send it. And most times, I am pleasantly surprised; they reply. In that moment, I am stuck smiling at my phone, grounded in their love for me. I am grateful. It means the world.
Do you think the fullness of a friendship should be something explored by only one party in the friendship? I am beginning to think that this, one party exploration of the idea, is not just impossible but also unfair to the friendship. I guess this means I will have to have conversations with my friends about it. Do you find that weird? Would you find it weird if I were to approach you and ask, “What do you think the fullest form of our friendship is and how can we work towards it?”? I figure such a conversation would be awkward, I imagine myself standing naked, exposed with only my vulnerability in my admission of treasuring a thing so much that I want more of it, better of it, as a shawl.
Fear is the mind killer. I wonder if the final form of my friendships is just on the other side of my fear. If it is the same fear that has, presumably, stolen my ability to let my guard down, to make new friends. Although I am not always of the opinion that fear is the mind killer, not oblivious to protective advantages of fear, I do admit that in this instance I am holding back on my growth, getting in the way of myself. This admission does not make things easier, nor does reciting the fear incantation that Dune espouses. I find that I must once again apply sufficient effort to go against what feels normal to me. Life seems to be a collection of such efforts. When does it end? I am exhausted.
As we say welcome to March, I wish that you find ease and ease finds you. I hope you remember that you are surrounded by friends who love you, that you find comfort in their embrace and take refuge in their love even as the road seems tough. I hope you are able to be that refuge for your friends, and that your love for each other continues to sustain you and give you strength. And if you are like me, grieving old friendships that gave you these things, I wish you take strength from the memories - never forgetting that you loved, were loved and can love, be loved again.
I have once again written to you at a time when the latest One Piece chapter is out, so I fear I must leave you here for now. I want you to know that I am still holding, gingerly, on to my desire to approach the year with cautious optimism. And if I am still trying, then guess what? You have to try too. Thank you for your time, I appreciate you. I look forward to hearing from you. Have a lovely month!
Signing off to Half Life by Appleby
“Tried to wish away the old me, old me
Forget the people who would hold me, hold me
Now I'm stuck in this half life, full time
And I don't know what to do, don't know what to do”
Sine Cera
Osondu
This was a very honest and raw read. I like it! I think we all struggle with these things , especially realizing that true friendship thrives in vulnerability and fear, contrary to the misconception that only romantic relationships should be worth fighting for. Platonic relationships are just as valuable and worth investing in.